Freshman Surrenders Dorm Room to Pizza Boxes

A Modern-Day Satire by Prioleau Alexander ’85. Author of You Want Fries With That? A White-Collar Burnout Experiences Life at Minimum Wage, Prioleau Alexander is the founder and owner of Little Fish Consulting in Huger, S.C.

By the beginning or his second semester, Michael Denton knew he had a problem. Unfortunately, he was unable or unwilling to address it—and as a result, the Huntsville native is now seeking a new place to live.

“For the first semester, I thought it was funny to stack up my pizza boxes,” Denton admitted. “I made a coffee table, a big ole chair, a bookshelf. It was awesome. I thought my roommate was being a wuss when he moved out, but then I got to thinking that maybe I had a problem.”

Denton first lost his living room to the boxes, but ensured there was a path to the bedroom and bathroom. By the end of the semester he’d lost the bedroom, the kitchen and the walk-in closet.

“I didn’t care about the kitchen,” admitted Denton. “I don’t cook much.”

Three weeks into his second semester, Denton was reduced to sleeping in the path between the front door and the bathroom. He began to experience panic attacks due his fear that the boxes might collapse. To exacerbate the issue, Denton’s girlfriend broke off the relationship, stating she was tired of hearing her friends call her boyfriend “that dude who smells like pepperoni and onions.” He considered the idea of dining at one of the 87 other restaurants available to students, but backed away from the concept when he realized he would be unable to play Call of Duty in a dining establishment.

Denton began to ponder the idea of surrendering the dorm to the boxes when he lost access to the bathroom and began to bathe in a sink at the Student Center. Shortly thereafter, his father visited to discuss the recent Visa bill that required two stamps and informed the freshman his lifestyle was “completely unacceptable.”

“You’re a Denton,” his father added.

Denton’s last night in the apartment was sleepless, as his last remaining floor space required him to sleep standing up just inside the front door.

“No one wants to admit they’re defeated,” Denton said, “but this was bigger than me. Have you have that garlic and cheese-stuffed crust? If not, don’t. It’s a gateway flavor.”

Denton will be required to continue paying the lease through the end of the semester, and has been tasked with retaining professional cleaners to deal with the detoxification and rodent removal.

“I’ve learned my lesson,” he said. “There’s no way I’m going to let the beer can pyramids in my new place get out of hand.”